Dear Mars Retrograde in Scorpio and ex-Lovers

When I received the message from N, about a month ago, I knew in my heart that something serious was going on. N is someone I deeply loved some 16 years ago.

When I left Malta 20 years ago, I was running away from a part of me that took me years to only start accepting. 

I was so in self-denial that I thought that by simply running away from my native land, stick to a heterosexual relationship and get married I would banish old ghosts and wounds.

N had to be my witness to that wedding that was going to take place in late April 2000. A wedding that never happened because I fell in love with my witness, that happened to be a woman.

It was an intense, deeply felt love that I simply got swept by….and for that love I left what was to me at that time, known, certain and secure, to face something utterly unconventional and despised by many and by both of our families. 

I had no long term job and passed many nights worrying on how I was going to feed myself. I changed many houses at the time. Sometimes I even slept in N’s shop because I had nowhere to go. All because I loved her and wanted to be true to myself and to that love…even if I had no idea who that myself was.

We did many things together. We tried to snatch time from a world that did not acknowledge the us. In those brief moments of sincere love we did touch each others soul.

It could have been a match on earth and in heaven but we both had a problem. We were both in self-denial of who we really were….We were both fully carrying the stigma and judgement that our families and society has handed us and we fully had taken it on board.

We tried to hide it from all the world and probably we finished by hiding it from ourselves as well.

At a certain point N decided she couldn’t take it anymore and she decided to abide to her family laws. I still remember that very moment when I had put her in front of a choice “If you choose your family over me I will leave you”.

And so I did….

It took me another 4 years of therapy to arrive to a point of saying to myself “Yes I am a homosexual…and it is not going away”.

It took me another 2 years to eventually let myself fall in love again…this time I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it…perhaps….

Today I met N. 

She is dying. Her organs are shutting down. One day or another she will probably leave this plane. Doctors haven’t given her much hope and time. She is selling her business that I was present when she started.

And she came to tell me so.

We talked about things done and memories shared. Many I had removed…

At a certain point I asked her to forgive me for the pain I caused her in leaving her. I said that although I loved her a lot I couldn’t stay in that situation anymore. It was a question of self-respect.

She said, “I know, I cared for you a lot and I got angry with you because you disappeared from my life. You didn’t even want my friendship”.

I said, “For years I did not want you as a friend. I wanted you as a lover. I didn’t care for you, I loved you and it took me time to get over it.”

She told me “ You will always remain for me my Maltese Goat. And next time we will meet again in another lifetime I shall remind you.”

That is the nearest she could arrive in this lifetime to tell me how much she cared for me. She never ever said I love you, yet I felt that love.

As I could feel her pain, a conflicting pain that she has always carried in her since I met her but could never do anything about it.

I could work on my pain and only the Universe knows how much I am still working on mine but I can’t work on hers.

We said goodbye fully knowing it might be our last in this lifetime…

So dearest N, in memory of that love, that made me grow into the woman I am now, this is my prayer for you:

I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Thank you.

Safe travels…

Your Maltese Goat.

The ring on the left is a reproduction of 13th century English ring carrying a garnet and a Chaucer's phrase saying " Go little ring to that same sweet heart that hath my hearth in her domain". The ring on the right is a beautiful Aquamarine. Both rings were given to me by N during our time together.

Happy 51st Birthday G (on a Taurus Moon) !

Happy Birthday my Love,

watching you today celebrating your 51st birthday is something so intimately special...
Since your 50th Birthday a year ago when your Chiron return started with all sorts of disabling hip pains and other maladies I have seen you grow, heal through suffering, through loss, through mutilation, through identity lost and passionately, avidly fought for, to be found again.
You have been an exquisite raw, vivid example of what rebirth is. That it is possibile to do so.
I love the Universe synchronicity: Your 51st birthday is happening with a Taurus Moon, that same energy of steadfastness, belief in life that has accompanied us in your...our journey through breast cancer and mastectomy.
It seems fitting isn't, that your Solar Return is being celebrated with perseverance, with sensuality, with those small, comfortable, sensual things in life that make us feel connected with Mother Earth.
So my Love, what else can I wish you on this special day?
May you be always true to yourself no matter what, at the end of the day your intuition has always been right...just give yourself time to listen to your own drum beat...it will take you on a unique pioneering journey...an inspiration to us all.
Dance to your own music G, it may seem strange at first, others might not understand but at the end of this journey you will have created a spontaneous, exuberant, fearless Youtube film for us all to insightfully ponder on!
Thank you my Love, for being in my life.

I love you.

Ricotta with panna cake kindly made and decorated by La Graniteria Messinese @Lido di Ostia
(The symbols are from a dream G had before she was diagnosed of breast cancer with a caption saying "Follow your dreams")

Memories of you...

Memories of you,

as I opened the door,

to what really love was,

that gentle surrender,

in your eyes I've known,

in this and other eons.

Memories of you,

as I found myself,

confused at first,

when you left,

for fear,

that this friendship,

could not reflect,

what you made me lack.

Memories of you,

as I set in motion,

a journey to a distant land,

away from you,

and homeland affairs.

Memories of you,

as I found my pride,

my life,

another Love,

a partner,

to commit to,

honour,

and share.

Memories of you,

as now I am proudly Me.

Thank You.

May we all now find,

and continue,

this life,

in peace.

Blessed be!

Photo by Freetabletwallpaper.com

Review Book: Safe Passage

What a delightful book. Kate Owen knows well how to weave a story that captivates the reader's attention from the very start.

A narrative which we live through the main character, Julianna Delacroix, by being witness to a endearing story straddling two different time periods with a common denominator. 

An ancestor's murder that paves the way to a family secret and an untold love tragically cut short.

The account is ably sprinkled with enrapturing details sure to elate your curiosity, luscious romance with a beat and a lesbian sex scene piquant to the right point (at least for me).

Well done!

Available from Less Than Three Press on the 5th February 2014

Book Review: The Beginning of Us

Coming of age is always difficult. Becoming aware of one's sexuality is always a battle of endorphins, thoughts and social structures. Becoming aware that one's sexuality does not confine to those “normal” social structures makes it more complicated.

Becoming aware of one's homosexuality while falling in love with your professor...well that drives the experience to over 9 magnitude earthquake on Richter scale.

Such turmoil is written as full-immersion diary after the events happened, making the reader partake in a personal and touching prose. 

Delicately written on a gushing river of feelings, this story has all the naivety of first love whilst discovering the me through the beginning of the us.

My Spontaneous Me

I once was a teenager,

contemplating the sea,

from a rock,

in dark cold wintery night.

I had just come out of a spiritual retreat,

with the intent of not going back.

I wanted to end my life.

I was the laughing stock of my friends,

the disapproval of my teachers,

the leprosy to my nuns.

I was different.

I was unwanted.

I loved a girl.

They loved boys,

or god.

There was no place for me,

amongst my friends,

to my teachers,

to my parents,

to society.

I closed the door,

saying goodbye to life,

to my few things.

Curious of who,

would have missed me.

I perched on that rock,

the sea was deep.

I knew,

that it was cold.

I knew that with my heavy boots,

swimming would be difficult.

Hypothermia would soon come.

I had studied it at school.

I observed,

the reflected twinkling of the light lamps,

of that society,

I longed to escape.

I do not know what held me.

There was not even the moon.

Maybe my soul,

although lost and delirious,

tired of dying,

always so early,

rekindled that desire:

to want,

to live,

at all costs.

I took a stone,

and with all my anger,

threw it,

as far away,

as my cry of pain,

could take.

I took another,

and then another,

until no residual strength,

closed my fingers.

I turned back to where I came.

Little did I knew then,

that I did pay a price,

on that altar.

I had left to bleed to death,

my spontaneous me.

Lost Love / Amori Persi

I can’t stop thinking about a question that keeps coming back in my mind:

Where does love goes when it finishes?

Where did it get lost?

Where did all the suffering begin?

Maybe scattered as small bloody pieces in the blind alleys of day by day lack of understanding?

Lost by those bridges never crossed or worst still never created?

In unsuccessful exchanges or in downright failures?

In futures wished together but only separate possibly feasible?

That initial love so vigorous to blind all senses…that slowly became excruciating, dehydrated, cut off from all means of survival.

Until at the end it succumbs and all of a sudden dies….

Where does all that love towards a beloved person go when all that love ceases to live and with it all that has been created together?

E’ da qualche giorno che ho questo pensiero che frulla nella mia testa:

Dove va a finire un’amore quando finisce?

Dove si è perso?

Dove è incominciata la via crucis?

Forse sparso a piccoli pezzettini sanguinanti nei vicoli ciechi delle incomprensioni quotidiane?

Perso in quei ponti mai attraversati o peggio ancora mai creati?

Negli scambi mal riusciti o del tutto falliti?

Nei futuri voluti insieme ma solo possibilmente attuabili separatamente?

Quel amore inizialmente cosi vigoroso da abbagliare tutti i sensi…. che piano piano si è visto agonizzante, disidratato, privo di ogni mezzo di sostentamento.

Finche alla fine cede e improvvisamente muore…

Dove va finire tutto quel amore verso la persona amata quando quel amore cessa a vivere e con essa tutto quello che si è creato insieme?

About Love / Pensieri sull' Amore

"I’ve watched the sea through your eyes.

And I became one with the sky."

I do not know if the English translation really works out but this is a phrase written by a friend of mine in her blog, Signora si Nasce, which made my heart stir.

The uniqueness of a love that can set one’s soul free.

Now if you would like to, please bear with me and my thoughts.

As time goes by, the more I believe that the only true love that can really help me unveil the sky in my heart’s creases, the divine in the bone marrow of my being a human being, is loving myself.

It is non a narcissist love but a self love meant as respect. Respect meant as the humbleness to understand that living is a life long process of lessons to learn.

The love and courage to undertake a journey through the foggy schemes built to protect what would be to painful to find and see in the brilliant light of a midday sun. Where shadows have no right to exist.

A love that one keeps on searching elsewhere forgetting that it is self love that at the end of the day can help us become better, making us worthy of another turn in the circle of life.

Actually loving others is not possible if before we haven’t learnt to love ourselves for who we are. A flowing being in a continual motion, searching for what really makes us noble inside.

"Ho guardato il mare attraverso gli occhi tuoi.

E mi sono fatta cielo."

Riporto qui una frase scritta da una amica mia nel suo blog, Signora si Nasce. Al suono di queste parole il mio cuore ha fatto un sussulto.

L’unicità di un amore che può fare liberare la proprio anima.

Ora se potete permettetemi questa riflessione.

Più passa il tempo più credo che l’unico vero amore che può farmi scoprire il cielo nelle pieghe del mio cuore, il divino nel midollo del mio essere umano è l’amore verso me stessa.

Non è l’amore narcisista ma è l’amore verso se stessi inteso come rispetto. Rispetto inteso come umiltà di capire che la vita è un lungo susseguirsi di lezioni da imparare.

L’amore e il coraggio di un viaggio attraverso la nebbia degli schemi costruiti per proteggere quello che farebbe troppo male da scoprire e vedere nella brillante luce di un sole a mezzogiorno. Dove le ombre non hanno più dimensione di esistere.

Un amore che si va sempre a cercare altrove dimenticando che è l’amore verso noi stessi che alla fine può migliorarci e renderci degni di un altro turno nel ciclo della vita.

Che non si può amare veramente gli altri se prima non si ama se stessi per veramente quello che si è. Un essere fluido in continuo movimento nella ricerca di quello che ci fa veramente nobili dentro.