My Spontaneous Me

I once was a teenager,

contemplating the sea,

from a rock,

in dark cold wintery night.

I had just come out of a spiritual retreat,

with the intent of not going back.

I wanted to end my life.

I was the laughing stock of my friends,

the disapproval of my teachers,

the leprosy to my nuns.

I was different.

I was unwanted.

I loved a girl.

They loved boys,

or god.

There was no place for me,

amongst my friends,

to my teachers,

to my parents,

to society.

I closed the door,

saying goodbye to life,

to my few things.

Curious of who,

would have missed me.

I perched on that rock,

the sea was deep.

I knew,

that it was cold.

I knew that with my heavy boots,

swimming would be difficult.

Hypothermia would soon come.

I had studied it at school.

I observed,

the reflected twinkling of the light lamps,

of that society,

I longed to escape.

I do not know what held me.

There was not even the moon.

Maybe my soul,

although lost and delirious,

tired of dying,

always so early,

rekindled that desire:

to want,

to live,

at all costs.

I took a stone,

and with all my anger,

threw it,

as far away,

as my cry of pain,

could take.

I took another,

and then another,

until no residual strength,

closed my fingers.

I turned back to where I came.

Little did I knew then,

that I did pay a price,

on that altar.

I had left to bleed to death,

my spontaneous me.

The Two Digital Rings

Tomorrow I am leaving to Malta to visit my parents. You might say “What is the big deal?”

Those who have been following my blog know that my parents and I have a rocky relationship, only lately recuperated. So my visits there are a bit like a Russian Roulette. You do not know when the bullet will fire. And when it does I have to be ready to move aside Matrix style and be all Zen about it.

On G+ I posted about taking off or keep G's and mine same fourth finger rings. I usually take it off when I go to Malta. 

Basically I know my mother is not very keen on my sexuality and indirectly with my partner for the simple reason that she is a woman. I was debating if taking them off was common sense or not enough courage to face the situation and defend my life and love.

So after various discussions and several meditations I came up with this decision. 

We shall take them off.

I am going to Malta to be with my family. I have pained many a session to be on talking terms with them. I know what makes them tick. The fact that for the fourth time I am going down with my same partner is big enough a statement in itself. And big enough fact for my mother to cope with and at the same time be on the watch out for alarm signals of high pressures and gale force winds.

It is up to me to smooth the way for communication with them. So going down to Malta with two same annular rings would be like having a gay pride flag sticking on my finger and a horn blasting saying “look at me I am gay”.

So I think this is a decision matured out of common sense. We will leave the rings under the custody of my cat and my house...two witnesses of our love who are more than enough, for now.

Happy 39th Wedding Anniversary Mum & Dad

Today I would like to honour my parents who are celebrating there 39^th Wedding Anniversary.

Dearest Mother and Father without you I wouldn't be me. I owe you all that I have learnt, am learning and will learn.

I have chosen you as my parents long long time ago and you me.

I would like to imagine that encounter at the Celestial Bar as a joyous event. We, all agreeing to help each other in this life-cycle. Sometimes taking unpleasant roles but with the sole intention to help each other in our reciprocal spiritual growth.

I imagine you mum with a piece of paper jotting down the list of experiences and lessons we wanted to live together while dad smiling and nodding benevolently.

Yes I can imagine you and me toasting gleefully to our journey together. A journey so full of hard lessons to learn but with so much love to give.

Yes we have chosen each other out of million other possibilities. And this can just only make you so endearingly precious to me.

Dearest Mum and Dad, today I celebrate you, your love for each other.

May the Universe guide you to the fulfilment of your existence and may your love be always a safe harbour to each other in troubled waters.

Happy Anniversary Dearest Mum and Dad.

Your daughter

My parents' love song / La canzone che ha fatto innamorare i miei

We’re in the month of July and call me romantic I always remember a song which promptly every July the Maltese radio aired, Luglio sung by Riccardo Del Turco. And every time since I was a child I can remember my father turning towards my mother, telling her “Do you remember? It is the song that was being launched when we met the first time”.
So I grew up with this song as a sweet memory of the love that eventually created me. The song that somehow lets me glimpse if only briefly and superficially the love that my parents have for each other.



Siamo nel mese the Luglio e se volete chiamatemi sentimentale ma mi ricordo che la radio Maltese prontamente ogni Luglio mandava in onda la canzone di Riccardo Del Turco, Luglio. E ogni volta da quando ero bambina mi ricordo mio padre che si girava verso mia madre dicendole: “Ti ricordi? Questa è la canzone che andava in onda la prima volta che ci siamo incontrati.”
Così sono cresciuta con questa canzone in dolce ricordo di quel amore che eventualmente mi ha generato. La canzone che in qualche modo mi fa, pur brevemente e superficialmente carpire l’amore che i miei genitori hanno l’uno verso l’altro.