Tuesday, 13 January 2015

My Self-undoing... 17 years later

Today it is an important day in my family of origin. So wherever I am my mother phones me.
Today she reminded me that 17 years ago on the 13th January 1998 she had phoned but did not find me at home. I just was being admitted in hospital to come out only 30 days afterwards, on the 14th February 1998.
Not because I was healed but because I was loosing so much weight that the doctors thought I would not make it through.
So after 17 years I had the courage to look back at the clinical data of the event that has and still is changing my life. And I found the time when I was admitted to hospital and surgery.
Now as you may know I am studying astrology so I was curious to cast a chart. The surgery started at 20:10 Rome Italy.
That makes it Capricorn Sun, Virgo Rising and Leo Moon.
The bi-wheel shows 5 planets in my 12th house (the house of hospitals, prisons and self-undoing or the house where you just simply loose your identity to the world), Saturn in my 2nd house (my body) and the Moon in my 6th house (the house of health and mind-body connections). Saturn was transiting on my Chiron in my 2nd house. The Lord of Time meeting Wounded-ness on my body.
The Capricorn Sun was on my North Node that had just been touched by transiting Venus that was making an opposition to my natal Venus conjunct South Node. In short my values where being called on duty...were am I really living my life?
I wasn't aware at that time that I was putting everything in my unconscious. I did not want to see and feel. It was only a year and a half that I had left my natal land. My life had changed drastically, more than I had expected and accepted.
Reliving that period, the moment I decided that I could not take it anymore and needed medical help. The moment I went in hospital, the what seemed the long waiting alone in a corridor shivering in pain and with cold. The waking up with more scars than I was expecting. The long complicated recovery which seemed never to arrive with brutal therapeutic methods. A diagnosis that left me helpless. The watching people dying alone and without family. The loosing the want to eat and live....
17 years afterwards I am still licking the wounds. I am still slowly healing.
Yes that surgery was really my self-undoing giving me more scars physically, emotionally and spiritually than I am comfortable with even to this very day.

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