Where to start? The four above are tightly interconnected and my assignment for this period is to disentangle the fear that has been installed in me. An appropriate assignment for Samhain I dare say.
My mother, staunch Roman Catholic, observed that I was homosexual before I did. And as soon as the occasion presented itself when I was just a thirteen year old falling in love with my best friend, she made me understand that I was destined to Hell.
From there started a long journey with the believe that I was no more child of God, destined to an eternal damnation made of fire and shrieks of pain. Where no peace, no redemption was to be found. Hated by my own Creator I was to live a life and an eternity cut away from everything. A life ruined. My own essence and being ruined for ever, with no chance of receiving love from anyone.
I felt as a boat with no direction in the middle of a storm with no stars to guide me through. I slowly lost my religion and the connection to the divine. I didn't know more at that time and for many years after.
Thanks to my mentor 20 years later at the age of 33 years I accepted my homosexuality. Three years ago she slowly connected me back to my spiritual essence. However that fear of Hell remained.
Today we went back to when I was thirteen. To that moment when Heaven's door closed and the gates of eternal damnation opened.
It was as vivid as 26 years ago. My mother was there, sowing at her machine. So was my friend. I reheard those words and seen her look of a mother disgusted and ashamed of her child not worthy to be God's child anymore.
However now I can see myself with a weapon to defend myself, my soul: a saiber with a hissing white blueish light cutting all the tentacles of fear that try to suffocate me. Cutting away once and for all, all those screams of pain and despair, of souls lost to God.
And as peace is restored in my soul, with my saiber I burn a circle all around me & then above me I trace another circle in the air. As above so below.
I finally start breathing, at first erratically then regularly.
Light filters through and the darkness slowly melts away. Leaving the warm glow of the Universal love.
Despite the fact that my mother will for ever until her last breath be ashamed of me I accept her and love her.
Despite the danger that you mother will send me to Hell, I know God will help and sustain me, leading me in the right direction to the completion of my life cycle.
For I am part of the Universe and lost will never be. I am child of God.