Monday, 31 October 2011

Homosexuality, Mum, Hell & God - Samhain 2011


Where to start? The four above are tightly interconnected and my assignment for this period is to disentangle the fear that has been installed in me. An appropriate assignment for Samhain I dare say.
My mother, staunch Roman Catholic, observed that I was homosexual before I did. And as soon as the occasion presented itself when I was just a thirteen year old falling in love with my best friend, she made me understand that I was destined to Hell.
From there started a long journey with the believe that I was no more child of God, destined to an eternal damnation made of fire and shrieks of pain. Where no peace, no redemption was to be found. Hated by my own Creator I was to live a life and an eternity cut away from everything. A life ruined. My own essence and being ruined for ever, with no chance of receiving love from anyone.
I felt as a boat with no direction in the middle of a storm with no stars to guide me through. I slowly lost my religion and the connection to the divine. I didn't know more at that time and for many years after.
Thanks to my mentor 20 years later at the age of 33 years I accepted my homosexuality. Three years ago she slowly connected me back to my spiritual essence. However that fear of Hell remained.
Today we went back to when I was thirteen. To that moment when Heaven's door closed and the gates of eternal damnation opened.
It was as vivid as 26 years ago. My mother was there, sowing at her machine. So was my friend. I reheard those words and seen her look of a mother disgusted and ashamed of her child not worthy to be God's child anymore.
However now I can see myself with a weapon to defend myself, my soul: a saiber with a hissing white blueish light cutting all the tentacles of fear that try to suffocate me. Cutting away once and for all, all those screams of pain and despair, of souls lost to God.
And as peace is restored in my soul, with my saiber I burn a circle all around me & then above me I trace another circle in the air. As above so below.
I finally start breathing, at first erratically then regularly.
Light filters through and the darkness slowly melts away. Leaving the warm glow of the Universal love.
Despite the fact that my mother will for ever until her last breath be ashamed of me I accept her and love her.
Despite the danger that you mother will send me to Hell, I know God will help and sustain me, leading me in the right direction to the completion of my life cycle.
For I am part of the Universe and lost will never be. I am child of God.

Blessed be!

9 comments:

Ila said...

This post was very profound. I am so glad you found a way t counteract what happened to you.

Now you can go forward secure in the knowledge that there is no Hell awaiting you. I too have found a different peace following this path.

Acquafortis said...

Thanks Ila. You only then may understand what kind of peace is slowly filtering through...

Marian said...

I feel very sorry for your mother that she lived in such fear and shame. I also am sad that she managed to shame you for something that you had no control over. I'm glad that you have found your way to freedom despite your mother's shame-based fears that had nothing in reality to do with you and everything to do with herself....

Many blessings!

Courtney Mroch said...

Oh wow. What a SUPER strong post. Thank you for sharing this. I know what it's like to have your mom die without loving you for exactly who you are. I am slowly coming to realize it is her loss for not seeing me, different as I may be, as worthy of loving. Not that I'm a homosexual, but I was never going to be the daughter she hoped for. She chose to see me as an unsuccessful extension of herself. Part of it was due to her religious roots. And part of that is why I have never liked religion.

However, like you, I'm glad we've both found a way to know Spirit's love and to accept ourselves for the beautiful people we are!!!!

Thank you for sharing this like you did.

Acquafortis said...

@Marian I once used to hate my mother. Slowly as my spiritual awareness grew I started thanking the Universe for giving me such a mother. (Actually they say we choose our own parents). She is my best teacher ever, most of the time in the subtraction mode but mentally I can understand that what she did was because of love and she knows no other means to do otherwise. My heart will follow in due time. And when it does I will be able to talk to her eye to eye with no fear. Thanks for reading!

Acquafortis said...

@Courtney Mroch I am trying my best to resolve issues with my parents before they die (or I die). I wish not to bring the same issues in another lifetime. I had enough of these issues and they are never ending.
My mother wanted me otherwise in all senses. And until I truly accept that and that I will never live up to that expectation there will be no possible peace for me.

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Anonymous said...

I really needed to see this....I recently told my parents about my lifestyle and got the same reaction. So much so I downplayed who I really am to a mere , oh I'm just experimenting...Even though I am in love and living with the person that makes me the happiest. I still haven't found the strength to tell them.I have actually printed this post and one day I will get the strength to tell them.

Thank you

Acquafortis said...

Dear Anonymous, usually I do not publish post without a name. But yours is an exception. I do not know how to THANK YOU for letting me know about how you felt about this post. Please let me know how it goes with your parents. Take care.