Monday, 4 October 2010

I am no man

It would have happened one day or another but I never imagined the pain it would have caused.

Saturday we went dancing at a milonga organised by a new student at my regular tango course. We were the usual group that moves around our tango teacher which happens to be the same teacher of my queer tango lessons.
In both courses I lead and follow because there is always lack of men to lead so I eventually take for a tango all my fellow ladies in the regular course as well.
They never asked why I learn the lead role nor they ever asked about my sexuality. They like dancing with me and sometimes it is even a pleasure being contented for, all wanting to dance with me at the same time.
As usual last Saturday, there were fewer men than women, so I took it in turns to make my lady friends dance. All of a sudden while I was dancing with one of my friends, a man, not from our usual group, interrupted our dance and told me: 

“No no, two women can't be seen dancing together tango”

He took in his embrace my friend and turning round he told me “ Don't worry afterwards I'll make you dance”.
I just was stunned. I walked out of the milonga and started crying.
Crying because I couldn't understand such a behaviour. It is very rude to interrupt a dance whatever reason there might be. Obviously if I was a man he wouldn't have done so. Or if he did so he knew he would have caused a row inside the milonga. But I am no man and so I have no right whatsoever.
Crying because it is weeks now that I have recurring dreams of coming out and this could be a reflection of what would happen. 
Crying because I was full of anger (still am) at myself for not having the promptness of answering him immediately and reacting positively to his action.
But what still hurts is the pain inside and the awareness that I am far behind being in rooting in my inner core that whatever happens I know how to behave and defend myself. I have not enough strength to withstand eventual opposition, prejudice or judgement.

There are periods in my life that I simply just can't stand not being free in being who I am and this is one of those periods.
What happened next was a heart touching show of friendship. Many of my friends took my side and refused to dance with the man. 


Sunny Day said...

Sweetie, my heart hurts for you. I wish that I had a miracle for you to stop the hurting. I love to dance, and although I am not gay, I have danced with women before when there weren't enough men.

That man was just stupid. As you know, you have to pick your battles. Even though it hurt, this was not a time when it was worth the battle.

You indicate you dread coming out. Save your battles for then. Hopefully it won't be near as confrontational as you think it will.

Acquafortis said...

My parents already know but my mother would hate the idea that the rest of all the family would know.
She would live it as a sin smeared on the family.
So I have always to lie about my relationship status and the person I might be with.
I have to bear the usual questions " Oh so when are you going to get married?" "When are we going to find you a guy?"or "You can go to work on Sunday because you have no family"...etc
Thank you for the comment! It really helps.