Today there were more than a couple of moments when I felt overwhelmed by life. It seemed as if the more I tried the more things just didn't work. It seemed that I was being tested constantly for my patience and frustration won me over.
So at a certain point I decided to stop, light a candle, an incense and close my eyes.
Meditation these last days wasn't working well so really I wasn't hoping for great things but I desperately felt the need to surrender.
As the cinnamon-orange incense filled the room I remembered something long forgotten.
As a child and adolescent when I used to feel overwhelmed or troubled I used to search for a quite place away from all. As a catholic I was brought up that, that quite place should be the church.
But I wasn't always so sure or convinced about that.
I remember there were churches where I used to feel coldness or void.
But I also remember those small rooms in convents where it was like being in a safe place (I was educated in a private nuns school) . There used to be the Eucharist and a small candle burning. Rugs and smalls stools placed here and there.
What used to capture my attention and heart was that small candle burning. I used to stay there for hours if needs be looking at that candle.
Time has passed. I am no more a catholic, I had lost my spirituality in my rebellion to an authority that I felt didn't consider me as a person.
Somewhere deep in my heart (or soul) I missed that connection. That steadiness that faith can give when winds blow too hard.
I took me years to understand the distinction between religion and spirituality. Foolishly I have abhorred both. But life has a strange way to teach things.
Meditation was presented to me in various formats. People talking about it, blogs, podcasts and books. At a certain point I was certain that the Universe was calling me to investigate this “phenomenon”.
I started with barely 5min slowly building up to nearly 40min.
As memories flooded my mind I finally realised I came back a full circle.
How strange, where I started and left I came back.
On a different level, somehow, but I came back.
I do not need a church or a scared or special place anymore. I do not need an official religion to pray to or a code of rules to abide to for my salvation.
All I need maybe is a candle...to take me back to that safe place where everything stills, when energy flows and chaos follows patterns to me unknown.
Today it was a touching meditation, one that I shall keep close to my heart and to my memory least I should forget the long road I have come through.
Least I should forget how I have always been taken care of even when I think otherwise.