All I need maybe is a candle

Today there were more than a couple of moments when I felt overwhelmed by life. It seemed as if the more I tried the more things just didn't work. It seemed that I was being tested constantly for my patience and frustration won me over.

So at a certain point I decided to stop, light a candle, an incense and close my eyes. 

Meditation these last days wasn't working well so really I wasn't hoping for great things but I desperately felt the need to surrender.

As the cinnamon-orange incense filled the room I remembered something long forgotten.

As a child and adolescent when I used to feel overwhelmed or troubled I used to search for a quite place away from all.  As a catholic I was brought up that, that quite place should be the church. 

But I wasn't always so sure or convinced about that.

I remember there were churches where I used to feel coldness or void.

But I also remember those small rooms in convents where it was like being in a safe place (I was educated in a private nuns school) . There used to be the Eucharist and a small candle burning. Rugs and smalls stools placed here and there.

What used to capture my attention and heart was that small candle burning. I used to stay there for hours if needs be looking at that candle.

Time has passed. I am no more a catholic, I had lost my spirituality in my rebellion to an authority that I felt didn't consider me as a person.

Somewhere deep in my heart (or soul) I missed that connection. That steadiness that faith can give when winds blow too hard.

I took me years to understand the distinction between religion and spirituality. Foolishly I have abhorred both. But life has a strange way to teach things.

Meditation was presented to me in various formats. People talking about it, blogs, podcasts and books. At a certain point I was certain that the Universe was calling me to investigate this “phenomenon”.

I started with barely 5min slowly building up to nearly 40min.

As memories flooded my mind I finally realised I came back a full circle. 

How strange, where I started and left I came back.

On a different level, somehow, but I came back.

I do not need a church or a scared or special place anymore. I do not need an official religion to pray to or a code of rules to abide to for my salvation.

All I need maybe is a candle...to take me back to that safe place where everything stills, when energy flows and chaos follows patterns to me unknown.

Today it was a touching meditation, one that I shall keep close to my heart and to my memory least I should forget the long road I have come through.

Least I should forget how I have always been taken care of even when I think otherwise.