Friday, 29 October 2010

All I need maybe is a candle

Today there were more than a couple of moments when I felt overwhelmed by life. It seemed as if the more I tried the more things just didn't work. It seemed that I was being tested constantly for my patience and frustration won me over.
So at a certain point I decided to stop, light a candle, an incense and close my eyes. 
Meditation these last days wasn't working well so really I wasn't hoping for great things but I desperately felt the need to surrender.
As the cinnamon-orange incense filled the room I remembered something long forgotten.
As a child and adolescent when I used to feel overwhelmed or troubled I used to search for a quite place away from all.  As a catholic I was brought up that, that quite place should be the church. 
But I wasn't always so sure or convinced about that.
I remember there were churches where I used to feel coldness or void.
But I also remember those small rooms in convents where it was like being in a safe place (I was educated in a private nuns school) . There used to be the Eucharist and a small candle burning. Rugs and smalls stools placed here and there.
What used to capture my attention and heart was that small candle burning. I used to stay there for hours if needs be looking at that candle.
Time has passed. I am no more a catholic, I had lost my spirituality in my rebellion to an authority that I felt didn't consider me as a person.
Somewhere deep in my heart (or soul) I missed that connection. That steadiness that faith can give when winds blow too hard.
I took me years to understand the distinction between religion and spirituality. Foolishly I have abhorred both. But life has a strange way to teach things.
Meditation was presented to me in various formats. People talking about it, blogs, podcasts and books. At a certain point I was certain that the Universe was calling me to investigate this “phenomenon”.
I started with barely 5min slowly building up to nearly 40min.
As memories flooded my mind I finally realised I came back a full circle. 
How strange, where I started and left I came back.
On a different level, somehow, but I came back.
I do not need a church or a scared or special place anymore. I do not need an official religion to pray to or a code of rules to abide to for my salvation.
All I need maybe is a take me back to that safe place where everything stills, when energy flows and chaos follows patterns to me unknown.
Today it was a touching meditation, one that I shall keep close to my heart and to my memory least I should forget the long road I have come through.
Least I should forget how I have always been taken care of even when I think otherwise.

1 comment:

Sunny Day said...

I think a lot of people don't know the difference between being religious and being spiritual. They also equate attending religious services regularly with being spiritual. As you say, they are not the same.